Dear Family, Close and/or Former Friends, Current Enemies (or Current Resident),
Happy Holidays, 2008! It has been another wonderful year for the <__________> Family! Bob and I would like to take this opportunity to share some of our noteworthy events so you can envy our successful and perfect lives.
Since he’s away on “business” (again), I’m writing for both of us -- just like last year! Bob assures me his absence is the price we must pay for his sanity. Or at least that’s what his young assistant told me when I called, although I couldn’t hear her because cell service is poor on the company yacht. She’s so committed, that girl! So loyal.
I’m sure you’re all aware that Bob deviated his septum in a harrowing snowboarding accident last winter. We’re happy to report that not only was recovery speedy and medication plentiful, but the State of Vermont Supreme Court has finally revoked the order prohibiting him from re-entering the state. This, of course, makes the trip up to Sugarbush much less stressful. Headrest-embedded, individual DVD players notwithstanding, it can be a grueling car ride from Connecticut, what with all those screaming children. (I’ve lost count. Really.) Unfortunately, the Escalade cannot drive itself to the condo, a serious obstacle since they lowered the blood alcohol level for passing a roadside DUI test. I know this firsthand.
Sadly, we’re still dealing with the legal ramifications of the aforementioned accident; the family of that hot-dogging juvenile delinquent whose helmet damaged Bob’s proboscis has been reluctant to accept our settlement offer. But no worries! I’m sure we’ll six-figure ourselves out of court (again). It is indeed a miracle that Bob’s new Soft-Swill™ flask -- a birthday gift from Yours Truly -- softened the blow, or that child might still be in a coma.
Happily on that note, Bob’s new nose is finally mogul-free! In fact it’s so perfect his mother didn’t recognize him. We really can’t be sure if that’s due to incipient dementia or the fact that we haven’t found time in the past 14 years to visit her in the “home.” We’re just tickled the rhinoplasty was covered by our insurance; and as an added bonus, Bob tells me he doesn’t snore anymore!
BJ (Big Jenna), 15, Jared, 13, Jake, 11, Jack, 11, Jess, 11 and LJ (Little Jenna), 2, have all grown so much this past year. (Please refer to box “A” on the enclosed, laminated insert; “Grids and Graphs” section.) We’re pleased most of the kids are off the charts in terms of height and not weight. Alas, BJ is still struggling with her BMI and will once again attend Camp A Much Better Me! this summer. If it doesn’t work this time then we’re going to surprise her with bariatric surgery for her Sweet Sixteen -- but shhh! Don’t tell -- it’s a secret…
I know, I know. You’re thinking, “What about you, Diana?” Well, I’m so glad you asked! I continue to volunteer for the fabulous, for-profit organization, “Families Without Commercial Ovens,” running gourmet meals to the homes of those less adorned than mine. Although it’s sad to bear witness to kitchens that are so Home Depot, it gives me great pleasure to stress the importance of eating caviar off of real ivory. And it’s satisfying to give back to society, particularly when doing so barely cuts into my tantric tennis clinic, aromatherapy immersion tank sessions and anti-aging, Human Growth Hormone injections (twice daily).
In addition to my important philanthropic work, I still oversee several of our alleged children and a fleet of oversized vehicles. I also maintain the printers in Bob’s basement-based moneymaking enterprise (one just cannot make enough cash in this economy).
Now that most of our children are in school some of the time and I’m outpatient from rehab, I’ve been able to focus more on my career as an artist! I’m proud to report I am now a legitimate professional, having sold several of my clown-themed hooked rugs (with matching bath mats) on Ebay. I plan to add even more circus-scented candles and pet accessories to my collection, as those lovely Scientologists have already purchased the entire line.
Who would have ever believed I would live out my wildest dreams? Who would have ever believed I’d remember any of them? Our missive would be incomplete if I excluded mention of a more serious medical issue. As you already know, I am still reeling from the 2006 Botox debacle (not to be confused with the Collagen calamity of 2003). I have finally recovered to the extent that during the short and infrequent times he’s home, Bob can’t tell whether or not I am (in his words) “all homicidal,” because my facial expression never changes. That is, of course, unless the clot moves, which I admit can be a little unnerving to witness.
Another year has come and gone, and life in the <_________> Family is as perfect as I can possibly convey it! If your year has been half as fulfilling as mine, please send me any extra pharmaceuticals that might be laying about your drawers or medicine chests. This way I can remain unthreatened in my delusional state of denial.
I hope the coming year is filled with the music of Chopin vodka and happiness for all of you. And if it is, please do not let me know.
And if you see Bob and his assistant, please tell him his hair plugs aren’t fooling anyone. Also, the paternity test results are in and a contract has been taken out on his life.
Cheers!
Diana <________>
